For a community I love. Even if you hate me.

There are two sides to every story, maybe three, maybe four or five. Somewhere between all of them is a story that is the closest to accurate. A story you can confirm by knowing all the fact. Sometimes all it takes is time for those facts to come to light. Sometimes it takes being in the middle of it. Other times, all you really have to know is what a person ultimately does.

Why do I bring this up? For more than ten years I've been involved with a community that has gone from unknown to a very active bunch of individuals giving much of their time and effort helping others who were once part of an organization that held them captive in one sense or another. Some of these individuals sacrifice their time and energy for a cause they really believe in. These acts are wonderful. The lives they help save are so precious. However, this type of activism comes with a price. It comes with a target on your head. A target you would figure came from the organization you're protesting. Sometimes it does, but most of them are too busy avoiding you. Your biggest critics tend to be those you're trying to assist.

Here is where the statement I started with comes in play. A common occurrence is a type of online mob mentality that overcomes individuals whose heart is in the right place but fail to consider that a story given by one person about their strife and complaints about another is just one angle, one story. Instead of listening with empathy (which you can always do), a retaliation for that person you hold dear takes place, without even knowing the whole story, without even being part of what had occurred. I have to admit, I used to get sucked into these type of debacles. When attacked online by others I would jump into my own defense. I would defend myself by giving my side. It was like adding fuel to a fire. Publicly engaging in such fights was me trying to clear my name, and of course, it's only human nature to want to do so especially if your name is being publicly slandered.

I no longer am so easily sucked into those types of situations (not saying it never happens). I do my best to avoid them like the plague. I've seen my name smeared. I've been talked down about. I’ve been called all kinds of ugly things. However, my online activities have been so much more peaceful ever since I have consciously made the effort to resolve matters in private, or just plain ignore them, rather than make public retribution. My actions will say more about me than anything. And if you are in this to help others, then why waste your time with those that have no clue what really happened or take the time to learn why you do things the way you do? With time it all comes out. I can't tell you how many times just waiting and taking care of my own business has made haters into pals. Your actions will scream your motives. If your motive is to be a helper than you keep pushing forward and you continue to help. If your manner of helping is not satisfying to someone else, then you give them space to do better.

The important thing is not to be the best, the important thing is to give your best. Use what you know works and if someone can find a better way then you support it. If you don't agree with someone, how about just going your own way? How about being candid with others and agreeing that the best thing for everyone in your community is to act in a kind manner and not take actions that will create mobs of one side vs another? Being a helper is important work and I know everyone has benefited from all the helpers out there. One helper may not be helping in a way you agree with or do not understand, but I guarantee you another one is. I would rather see them go somewhere else for assistance then to see them point a finger and say, "They were right about those people."

We're in this together. My plea is: Before taking sides think about the greater good. Before calling out people publicly ask, "Is it worth it?"

Sagan: Year Three 2015

May 4, 2015

Dear Sagan,

You are three today. I couldn’t be any more proud. You continue to develop beautifully. It amazes me the amount of learning that happens in a year. Words have evolved into sentences, tantrums into verbal communication, and baby features into little boy features.

This year was our first full year not living full time under one roof. Moving out to live some distance from you was the hardest thing I have ever done. At first, I was dreadfully depressed. I felt like a piece of my heart was yanked out. The thought that agonized me was that I had become my Father; the Dad that lived in the city, and you, like me as a child, lived some distance away in a more rural area. I vowed to be there for you. I vowed to never miss my arranged time with you. I vowed to continue supporting you financially. Even though I kept those promises, I felt an emptiness.  I’d flood the space with the distractions, but it would always drain. The emptiness was only filled when we were together.  

Despite your short time here, you continue to be a great teacher. You adjusted quicker than any of us. No matter where you were in your development, no matter the days that went by until I picked you up, you always acted as no time had passed, you were always ready to go, and you always showed me love. Thank you for being my strength and loving me so much.

As time progressed things became easier. Your mother and I continued to build our parent and parent relationship. I am grateful of her care of you. She’s a great person and an incredible mother. I am also grateful your mother and I are friends, to the point we attend family functions together like Christmas and Easter. The reason we are where we are today is kindness. Demonstrating kindness is not always easy, Sagan, but I assure you it works better in the long run. Demonstrating kindness is like a strong constant stream of water. Water alone isn’t much, the occasional drip won’t make much of a dent; however, you can do almost anything with a strong, consistent, steady stream of water. Being steadfast in your kindness can be powerful, it can move things, it can change things, and oh the things you can create. You can even create a new kind of relationship when one has to end. Our kindness got us here; it has created the optimal circumstance of your parents getting along.

This year you met someone very close to me. This past year I continued to get to know Amneris and eventually we became an official couple. I am glad you got to know her. She was there supporting me through all my sadness. She grew to care about you, and desired to meet you. On Thanksgiving Day you were able to meet each other. You shared a sweet moment in my cousin’s home where you played with toys together. Thank you for being such a wonderful boy to someone that means so much to me.

I love that we can now communicate better. You are so much happier now that you are able to verbalize certain things. It always seemed you hated being a baby, in that baby body. Now you’re like, woo-hooo! You’re a very smart boy and I am so excited to see what this next year will bring. I got a sneak peak when you recently decided to read the word Roku on my screen and spell it. “R-O-K-U, roookuuu!” I was floored. You were born when the first Avengers movie premiered, and you are already spelling. You amaze me! You make me appreciate life so much more because I see the potential of humanity in you, and it’s a beautiful thing. The love I have for you is something I’ve never experienced, noting else compares. I look forward to the little boy you will become. I look forward to our many adventures. I look forward to our bond growing as well. This unlimited love will just grow. Three cheers to this upcoming year. Sagan age three.

With Love Your Dad,

Ruben Ortiz Jr. 

Love Endures

I created and administrate a support group for former Jehovah's Witnesses called Ex-Jehovah's Witness Recovery 3! found on Facebook. Since 2006 we have helped hundreds of people come to a place of healing by bringing the following words to life: You Are Not Alone. I occasionally receive personal messages from people who do not want to make their identities public. They often ask me to post certain questions to other members or ask the group for feedback on certain issues. I thought I received this kind of message today when a message came in asking me to post something anonymously. To my pleasant surprise, it wasn't the usual kind of request.

A young man asked me to post the image of a note he received from his thirteen year old niece with the following message to the group: "My 13yo baptized niece snuck this note to me. Summary: I miss talking to you...favorite uncle...I love you. I'm left speechless. Thumbs up to her for her seemingly small but incredibly brave act. I love you too!" Here is the image. 

This generated comments from other members that ranged from sadness to hope. Sadness because a thirteen year old young person is not allowed to speak to her excommunicated uncle for religious reasons. As a baptized member of the congregation she risks excommunication for communicating with him. This young person risks losing contact with her whole world. If her parents found out, she would have to live with their disappointment. There were also hopeful comments. This young person was willing to risk her relationship with her family and the people of the congregation to send a message to her excommunicated uncle. If she thought excommunication was positive, there would be no note, no attempted contact, nothing. Her actions are speaking here, and it's saying "I love you, no matter what."


Christopher K. Young one of the other admins in the group made a very good comparison.

These high control groups, these cults, can never vanquish the core person that resides simultaneously with the fabricated cult personality indoctrinated into the minds of these people. I'm confident this young person will see how unloving this organization is someday. This note is a reflection of who she really is, a young person with a beautiful heart. I commend her for breaking the rules and taking the risk despite the culture of fear.

Much love to all the Jehovah's Witnesses who practice kindness above coercion, and who demonstrate love above hate. Keep questioning, keep defying the Watchtower, and keep learning. To all you very young Jehovah's Witnesses too scared or unable to do something now, know there is a group of Ex-Jehovah's Witnesses that are willing to give you support once you are able to act on your own.

Sagan's Birthday Year Two 2014

Sagan,

I have been writing you a birthday blog in the form of a letter every year. In a few days you will be two years old. This is my third letter. As you were getting older I received many solicited and unsolicited opinions from different parents. Some said I would miss you being a newborn, others gave stern warning about how challenging it would be when you grew to be a toddler. Challenging it definitely is; however, I see the glee in your eyes now that you can do so much more. You're free from the helpless prison your body had you in as as a baby. You are a very active toddler, and a very smart one. Part of your development is to challenge the establishment, namely us your parents. So yes, sometimes you throw yourself on the ground in the tantrumest of tantrums. You're not even two yet and you have already challenged us many times. I find it amazing that this is so integral to the development of a human being. Your mother and I, as challenging as it can be, understand this process is necessary. We give you your space to experience it. As always, you are a teacher, and as always, despite the occasional rise against the parents, you are very good boy.

There is one more thing I'd like to document for your future eyes and wonderful heart. This is the year I moved out of the house, the year your mother and I went our separate ways. In fact, the day after your 2nd birthday party will be the day I move into my new apartment. It is the most difficult thing I have ever had to do in my life. When I was a child, your Grandfather did not live with me. When he'd come visit and he'd have to go home my heart would break into a thousand pieces. I would cry and cry. The hole I felt in my heart ran deep. I would hyperventilate as I sobbed. As a child I decided this is something I would never subject any of my future children to. I would dream of having the family I never had, Mom, Dad, and son. When I tell you that my move this year is the most difficult thing I have ever done, it is no exaggeration. The child I was, the broken hearted hyperventilating child is currently making an occasional appearance in my heart. I cry and cry. The endless hole reappears. This is not what I wanted for us. I feel like I failed you, yet I know these feelings are not true. I know things will get better. I know that I will not fail you. I know that life is more than just my dream and more than what I want. It's just how I feel. My inner child cries for his dream, he cries for you. I want you to know that this is not your fault. People change. Circumstances change. Your mother and I love you with all our hearts. We both sacrifice for you. Your mother loves you deeply, and I will always love her deeply for the type of mother she is to you. We will work together to raise you to be the best person you can be. Our relationship may have changed, but our deep love and commitment to you is something we will always have in common. You both are forever my family.

Happy Birthday, Sagan. Welcome to the rest of your life. I can't wait to see what this year will bring. I am sure you will continue to surprise us, enlighten us, and occasionally drive us crazy. I look forward to watching you grow. I look forward to our time together. I promise to be the best Dad I can be. Until next year. Oh and "OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

Love,


Dad

P.S. Ask me about your obsession with Lightning McQueen from the movie Cars (2006) when you're older. Holy shit, Sagan! :) 

My Mortal Enemy And My Loyal Companion

I fight you with joy, and drown you with distractions.  The battle is won, but the war is really never over. Like a virus not completely beaten, you come back stronger. You may take another form, another circumstance; nevertheless, you inevitably return. Like a black hole, light does not escape your gravity. You take everything. I am forced to seek the sun in order to make it rise again. I find the sun and it gives light and warmth to my stage. The projector resumes. Some players keep playing, some disappear, others never come back. How long will it last this time? The birds chirp, the flowers bloom, and the snow melts. I enjoy the season. I enjoy every minute of it. I soak in the beauty of it. It gives me strength. It prepares me for your return. We dance again. We fight again. You're my mortal enemy and a loyal companion.

Letter To My Younger Self

Dear Younger Ruben Ortiz,

I write this to you knowing you will never read it. It may be of interest to your future son someday, or some other young person. Ruben, the most constant thing in your life will be change. You will become someone you never imagined you'd be. The world is not as black and white as you think, there is so much more grey than you can ever imagine. There will be matters you will open up to, that you never dreamed you'd accept. Life will bless you, yet it will present some challenges that will pummel you. These experiences will shape you; they will empower you, and at other times humble you. Amazing moments are coming your way. Cherish every single one of them. Keep them in your heart as a reserve fuel. Think of them when times become difficult, when you lose someone you love, when you lose a friend, when you have to start over, whenever you're in pain. I promise that with every loss, there is a reward because you learn to fight for them. One day, you'll have a calling, something you'd never expected to have. You will not consider it a calling from God; you will consider it a calling from your humanity, from your sense of responsibility. It will bring you great joy, and it will bring you lots of love. Many individuals will be tacked on to your list of friends and family who already mean so much to you. You will cry out, "You are not alone," and it will be true of you. Continue to grow in knowledge, be kind, and above all let love be evident in all you do. I have a feeling in whatever place we find ourselves in time, we're going to be okay.

 

Sincerely,

Future Ruben Ortiz.

Sagan Year 2013

Sagan,

One year ago our lives changed forever. Into our hearts and home came this little man as helpless as can be completely dependent on his mother and father to care for him. When you were growing inside your mother I'd often daydream about all the lessons we were going to teach you. Little did I know that you were going to be teaching us the lessons first. You were named after a very influential thinker and scientist, Carl Sagan. He was a man of great wisdom. The name Sagan itself means wisdom. We chose the middle name Anand because it means bliss. A source of wisdom and bliss you certainly are. I'd like to share a few things I learned from you this past year:

1. Parents are ministers.

I learned what the word minister really means. A newborn baby is dependent on you for everything. You don't have to be religious to be in servitude to someone else. Sure we are your guardians, but as your guardians it is our job to care for you. This takes humility and patience. Characteristics you helped us beef up.

2. You'll make big moves when you're good and ready.

A developing human will make their next move when they are good and ready. Your body dictated when you were ready to sit up, chew food, crawl, etc. These things happened when they were going to happen. We all had to wait, even you. I think this applies to more than your physical development. Before you started walking on your own, we knew you could. We caught you a few times taking a step or two on your own. As many times as we encouraged you to walk, even though you could, you waited until it felt right for you. I won't forget this lesson. I will give you space and time when you are making important decisions.

3. Find joy in the little things.

One morning I saw you blissfully playing with the most simple household object. You were so happy. What the hell is wrong with us adults that cannot find joy in the simple things? Thanks for the reminder kid.

4. Happiness is contagious.

You exemplify this term. You laugh with us even if you don't know what's going on. I will carry this with me. I will always try to give others the happy bug. As our friend Raven is always going on about with good reason, "mirror neurons!" I learned that a happy baby just doesn't get hugs, kisses, praise, etc. A happy baby comes from a home of happy people.

5. Your mother deserves deep gratitude and respect.

You taught me that your mother is tough as nails. From twenty-eight hours of labor to sleepless nights to breast feeding you up to now to every single sacrifice she has had to make to give you the best care. All this makes her a superwoman. She is to be revered and given the utmost respect. You are healthy and here because of her. I will always cherish her for this as I know you shall as well.

I love you Sagan. Thank you for your gifts. It may not always be easy to be a parent but it is rewarding when you see your child turning out so wonderfully. Happy first birthday my son.


Love,

Dad