Jingle Bell Rock

The holiday season is at its close. Now when we go shopping, we will once again be listening to the music we are all used to hearing throughout the year. We can take a break from the bombardment of Holiday music. These songs are successful in inciting our emotions in one way or another. I am especially susceptible to one particular song: Jingle Bell Rock.

It was 1986 and I was in the fifth grade. The school had a holiday concert bash planned and each classroom in the school was going to perform a song. As a Jehovah’s Witness kid I was not allowed to participate. Up to that point I never felt I was missing out on celebrating the holidays. Unlike many other kids I knew that were in my situation, I could easily explain to you why I did not. I was the type of Jehovah’s Witness kid that would carry his Bible to school so that I could explain to my teacher why I could not salute the flag, “If you see here in Deuteronomy 4:15-20…” The Christmas explanation was a breeze. I had a lot of love in my house, from my mother and my siblings. Holidays or not I was a happy kid.

The day of the concert came and since I was not going to participate I was left with some activities to complete in the classroom. Our classroom was on the third floor of the school. Out of curiosity I walked over to the window and saw the set up they had on the playground. Then the singing began. I continued to watch and realized that I was the only person in the whole building. Everyone was outside. Once all the grades sang their songs, they all sang Jingle Bell Rock together. I loved the song! Listening to everyone sing it together was inspiring. That’s when I felt it. The one time in my whole childhood I felt I was missing out on the holidays was when I heard all those kids happily singing Jingle Bell Rock as I sat there alone.

When I hear Jingle Bell Rock today I am mentally transported to that moment to that feeling of being left out on what was just good clean fun because of a judgmental point of view that was inculcated by my church. At that one moment, I knew. It would not be until many years later that what I knew would be clear to me. Jingle Bell Rock reminds me of what the holidays are about, a celebration, a time for fun, and a time of giving. There is nothing wrong with choosing an occasion to share joy with others and there is no need to exclude yourself from it just because you disagree on the origins of such a celebration. Whether it was Christmas, Hanukah, Kwanza, or any other good old fashioned winter solstice celebration, I hope you enjoyed yours.

Who gives a fuck? Why help Ex-Jehovah's Witnesses?

Since 2006 I have spent a considerable amount of time helping persons that have left the Jehovah's Witness organization find support. It all started with a group on MySpace called "Ex-Jehovah's Witness Recovery Group." Many of my closest friends today I met through that group, including my wife Emily. There have been three incarnations of that group due to the fact the first one was taken off from MySpace, and the second was abandoned for the third on Facebook. I also started a YouTube page called "Ex-Jehovah's Witnesses Speak Out," where I post short segments of conversations I have with Ex-Jehovah's Witnesses when my wife and I meet them at different venues. We are not as involved in these activities as much as we were in the past, but we continue to do what we can.

Believe it or not, many of us who do this have been criticized for spending our time helping others with their transition out of this high control group. I have received comments such as "Who gives a fuck?" "Why don't you just let it go?" "Why can't you respect their Religion?" So on and so forth. For all those that think it’s a waste of time to open your heart to persons that genuinely need a friend. For all those who feel it is not helpful to confide in a person that has been in your particular position. Please take a minute to read the following message addressed to my wife Emily by someone we care about very much.

“Have I ever told you how special you are to me Emily? In case I haven't...Let me explain…sweetie…

When I first discovered facebook and the exjw groups, I pretty much opened up about all the pain of my moms rejection of me after I disassociated myself…yada…yada...yada…I was really depressed...borderline suicidal, which I go through at least once a year or so.

I did not know you from Adam, and sweetie…and you picked up on it INSTANTLY....you invited me to not only come to your house...but you even offered to pick me up at the station, and said I could spend the night. My goodness Emily I coulda been a serial killer.

You just went on your vibe and were so open to me…I'll love you forever because of that sweetie!

I used to associate that kind of generosity of spirit, and selfless loving concern (EXCLUSIVELY) with the JWs!!

I seriously thought that no non JW would ever be so loving and open and generous without expecting something in return!
I know better now hon…

I thought that my exjw childhood girlfriends were sweet to me because they had known me forever! But Emily you and Ruben had never ever met me...not even on the phone!
Just want you to know that hon...

People like you make believers out of me. The kind of belief I value and cherish…the selfless goodness that comes from living a bullshit free life!”

Need I say more?

Intolerance in Disguise

I am a former member of the Jehovah’s Witnesses; one that has disassociated himself from their organization. For those of you who don’t know what this implies, I will explain it to you in simple terms. I excommunicated myself. Jehovah’s Witnesses are not allowed to speak to me, not even to say “hello”. Those that shun ex-members, are under the impression they are helping the excommunicated person and pleasing God. I am discriminated against for contradicting this organization’s Religious beliefs by persons of that Religion and I have learned to deal with it. I know many of them are misguided, and some are just plain hypocrites but I know where I stand with them and why. Most of them will not hesitate to express their stance. There is no mystery to their bigotry; it’s out in the open. They even have a special name for me “Apostate”.

I am dealing with a new kind of intolerance as of late; intolerance in disguise. Let me share a few examples that will give you a better idea of what I’m talking about.

Here is a message I received on facebook:

“Ruben you know I love you very much, you are like a big brother to me. I would never cause any harm to you but I can no longer be your friend on facebook. It saddens me to see your videos, blogs, and statements. you have so much anger and i honestly dont know why or understand it. I really dont pay much attention to what you post about Jehovah and his organization, but now I feel like I am contributing to you bashing Jehovah. Correction: Not contributing but agreeing with you. Please understand. I do love you and will always love you.”

This is not from an active Jehovah’s Witness. I’ve known this person for more than eighteen years. This person has been excommunicated by this organization as long as I have. You might think this person is the same as those Jehovah’s Witnesses that do it because they feel they are pleasing their God. Maybe, except there is one big difference between this person and many of those misguided Jehovah’s Witnesses. You are what you do and this person does what a Jehovah’s Witness doesn’t, this person may believe in “Jehovah God” but they are not a Jehovah’s Witness. If this person feels that it is God’s organization maybe they should be more preoccupied with getting back in before judging the intentions of another. Read that message carefully “you have so much anger” really? Why would my “sibling” think I was angry? I’m confused, I didn’t write anything out of anger. Oh wait a minute! I think this issue is clarified for me in that same message: “I really dont pay much attention to what you post about Jehovah and his organization”. This person says they “love me” and yet accuse me of being angry when they haven’t even taken the time to read what I posted.

One might say Oh but this person is being nice and said they can’t be your friend on facebook. This was written to me nine months ago. Have I heard from this friend? Received one call from this friend? No. And quite frankly, I have no desire to continue reaching out to a person that ignored my initial, sincere reply to that message.

I have had many encounters with persons that do not like my take on Religion, “God”, politics, and other subjects. I’ve had people say very negative things about me behind my back simply because I spoke against ideas they hold dear, or expressed my disagreement with their live and let live attitude. Narrow-mindedness is not limited to the Religious. In one case, a fellow non-believer cast me off his friend list because I agreed with someone else that a particular Religious group was more secular than most. No warning just took me off and no longer communicates with me.

What’s my point? You don’t have to hide your intolerance just come out and say it, be honest, I can accept that. You have every right not to like what I say. You don’t have to be my friend. Just don’t tell me you love me then turn around and ignore me. Just say what you mean. I’d rather hear that then to have to deal with nonsense. You may say I am intolerant to certain ideas. Yes, that is true. I don’t respect certain ideas, I don’t respect certain beliefs, and if asked I will be honest and straight up about it. That doesn’t mean I can’t respect you as a person, be your friend, or even love you. If your intolerance to my ideas hinders your ability to be a friend, to care for me as a person, I rather you take a hike from my life. I don’t need that kind of bullshit.

Boo! BOOOO!

My Mother started to go to Jehovah’s Witness meetings at the Kingdom Hall when I was six years old. It was me and two older sisters that would go to the meetings, my older brother Angel did not. My Aunt began to go the meetings as well. She had two daughters that were around my age and three teenage boys. This story is what my cousins “crazy Eddie” (his nickname) and Johnny convinced me to do at one of these meetings.

One Sunday I sat between Johnny and Eddie. Every Sunday we had what was called the “Public Talk” where a guest from another Kingdom Hall would come give a 45 minute sermon. At the end of this sermon the audience would applaud the speaker. He could’ve been the worst speaker ever; nevertheless, you clapped out of courtesy. As the speaker that Sunday approached his ending my cousin Eddie began to whisper in my ear and proceeded to make his case for a magnificent send off for this speaker. He told me that standing up, pointing both my thumbs down, and yelling “BOO!” was the best thing you could do for a speaker. That would be the ultimate compliment even better than clapping.

I was skeptical of course. Johnny caught my other ear and said the same thing confirming what Eddie had told six year old Ruben as true. They were older, they said it was the best thing, so they managed to convince me. The elevated tone of the speaker gave the indication that the public talk was over and as any well trained Jehovah’s Witness the audience began clapping. Not six year old Ruben. I stood up, extended my arms outward, held both my thumbs down and yelled out “Boo! BOOOOO!” At lightning speed I felt the familiar pinch of my Mother’s nails embedding my ear lobe. She dragged me down the aisle towards the bathroom as I yelled “But Eddie and Johnny told me it was a good thing!”

That was some funny shit.

Look out for those people, they maybe in line to exit.

I was twenty-four year old Jehovah's Witness Ministerial Servant (aka Deacon) and my ex-wife was nineteen when we married. One of the factors that weighed heavily on our decision to get married was the desire to have sex. Fornication was not an option for an unmarried Jehovah’s Witness couple. It was marriage or no sex. I took the marriage route. Not to say I didn’t love her or that I didn’t want to start a family, I’m just saying the main reason behind the marriage was raging hormones. The warning signs of an impending disastrous relationship were there when we were dating.

After two years our marriage was falling apart. We fought most of the time. We were miserable. It shouldn’t have come as a surprise when I discovered through an email message that she was seeing another man. When questioned she admitted it. She confessed to have kissed other men. I did what every responsible Jehovah’s Witness would do; I decided to go to the elders of the congregation for help. I invited them to our home to speak to us about a problem we were having.

They came over and sat with us at our dinner table. With the bible in hand and copies of watchtower articles in plastic sleeves the presiding overseer of the congregation began his presentation. The elders already knew we were having problems for some time, they had counseled us before. However, they were unaware of the news I had for them that night. I tried to get a word in as he babbled, but the mixture of anger, sorrow, and his interruptions to what I had to say made it difficult for me to spill the beans. He spent about an hour pointing out how our problems were my fault. The root of our problems according to them? As the head of the household I allowed our spirituality to dwindle. Once he was done, I looked at him and simply stated “She kissed three guys.” A facial expression that expressed oh appeared on his face before he continued. The solution he presented was to work on our spirituality that he "lovingly" reminded me I allowed to dwindle. I had no other choice to stay in the marriage. Kissing other men was not grounds for a divorce.

We attempted to work things out, but at the end of the day our marriage was beyond repair. She moved out and began living with one of the men she was seeing behind my back. Once I discovered this I went to the elders with this information.“Now can I go?!” Her fornication was my way out.

I do not look back at these events with anger. She escaped the only way she knew how; cheating was the only way to dissolve the marriage unless one of the partners died. What choice was she left with? I would’ve fought it to the end, quoting the watchtower, reading her the bible, telling her that divorce was not an option, and insisted the elders were the ones we should trust with our issues. You can add to that all the pressure the elders and her Jehovah’s Witness parents added. Instead of staying in a miserable marriage she decided to escape a bad situation by placing herself in a position that would make her “the bad guy.” It was her actions that led to a series of events that ultimately led us both to better places, how can I hold that against her? Of course what happened did hurt me at the time, especially when she got pregnant a few month later. I had always wished to be a father. That was the biggest blow, but that was more of an ego thing.

Once the divorce was in process I really tried to do what I thought was the right thing. I tried becoming “spiritually strong” as the Jehovah’s Witnesses put it. That didn’t last very long. In short time I was out partying and eventually doing what I wanted to do. I discovered that I didn’t feel guilty. In my head I felt justified. I had spent years being “good” doing my best to follow their rules. I failed every once in awhile, but I did my best and it got me nowhere. So I did my thing. I could always go back I thought.

My neighbor, who was from another Jehovah’s Witness congregation, was disfellowshipped (excommunicated) because of a sexual relationship we had. All the while I was flying under the radar, going to some of their assemblies, hoping from one congregation to another, leading what they call "a double life." One day I got home to find her in my apartment crying with some our friends and my roommates. She began to yell at me, calling me out on my hypocrisy. “How come nothing is happening to you?!” I felt like a hypocrite, so I decided to confess to the elders. I met with the elders from the new congregation I sporadically attended and told them what was going on. They informed me there couldn’t act on it until they received my publisher card from my old congregation, which I was avoiding like the plague. Their inability to reach me allowed time for a change in the course of events.

I told a close friend about my desire to go back and make things right with the congregation. My friend said two words that forever changed my life. She compared the Watchtower with “Big Brother” from the book 1984. Those words hit me like a ton of bricks. At that moment I woke up. I KNEW! All the doubts I ever had rushed back to me at that moment. I proceeded to look up information on the Watchtower Bible and Tract Society. I found Crises of Conscience at a book store and read what former Governing Body member Raymond Franz wrote in regards to the Witnesses. With the evidence this book presented and other information I researched, I came to the conclusion that the Watchtower organization was as fraudulent as any other religious organization that claims ultimate truth.

A few weeks later I sent in my letter to disassociate myself from the Jehovah’s Witness organization. I simply stated that I no longer wanted to be a Jehovah’s Witness and to not contact me. I sent the letter to both my new and old congregation in order to make sure the appropriate person got it. Two of the elders of my old congregation came by to make sure it was me who sent the letter because they received it in a “strange way.” I said it was me and that was the end of that discussion.The announced my disassociation in both congregations. I was to be treated the same as a person who is excommunicated.

One of the biggest lessons life has taught me is that no matter what you say or think, what defines you is what you do. Before you give up hope on a person that is involved with such a group, observe their behavior. Focus on that rather than the words they say. You will find a number of them whose actions do not coincide with their beliefs. Look out for those people, they maybe in line to exit. It doesn’t always take an egregious act by the group or some member of the group to get people questioning their beliefs. Sometimes bad decisions, doubts, and life in general can take you down that road.

I am glad I realized that much of what I believed and disbelieved was based on interpretations of ancient writings dictated by men whose sole concern is for the continuation of their corporation. I decided that I would come to my own conclusions based on the evidence presented, reason, and common sense. This led me to where I am today, free from a coercive high control religious cult. I have facts, explanations, and a couple of great ideas. I'm happy with that.