We did it our way

Emily Elliott and I are now married. We didn't and don't need rings, some big ceremony, some formal party that would have cost us a fortune, nor does she have to adopt a name that isn’t hers. We decided to go about our marriage and celebration of such agreement, our way.

We were married on May 20, 2010, Thursday afternoon. A day like any other. We went to the courthouse and asked them to sign the certificate we had sitting in our kitchen for a few months. A justice of peace, dressed in very informal clothes married us. He performed a ring-less ceremony that took about 5-10 minutes. We held hands said our vows and then the certificate was signed. We headed out with Sean and Heather and celebrated with a drink at the bar. We called it a day.

Our original plan was to surprise our guests and be married at the “Best House Party Ever.” But we didn’t realize the marriage certificate would expire by then if we did this. So we decided to make it a surprise coming out we are married party. On Saturday June 12, 2010 we shared with all our friends the news of our marriage via the party and facebook. It was a blast, and we were touched that so many came from far to spend the day with us; loved ones came from California, Washington D.C., New York City, and Massachusetts. We were also grateful for all the phone calls, emails, and facebook messages from those who could not make it. It meant a lot to us.

It was so great to have shared such moments with people that genuinely care and love you. It was overwhelming and humbling. Emily’s grandmother, great-aunt, and great-uncle were so much help, the guests wouldn't have had the selection they did if it wasn't for them. Our friend Sean, as always, was a lifesaver. Juan didn't need the title "best man" he is my best man, he was such a huge help and the celebration wouldn't have been the same without him. My sister Maggie insisted there be cake, and some tradition seeped in into our non-traditional celebration. It was so worth it. A beautiful impromptu moment of song and speeches came from it; which my nephew and niece Tito and Jasmin deserve a special shout out, for helping with the recording and initiation of the special moment. We loved Carmen's beautiful song and are forever grateful for that wonderful gift. And a very special thanks to the other woman in my life, for always being there for me, pushing me, and making me cry. ;) Thanks Lisa.



I would like to thank everyone who was there, from family to old freinds to new friends. I would also like to thank all of you who shared kind words. We love you and appreciate you all very much. Thank you for sharing your beauty, and allowing us to share ours with you.

Intolerance in Disguise

I am a former member of the Jehovah’s Witnesses; one that has disassociated himself from their organization. For those of you who don’t know what this implies, I will explain it to you in simple terms. I excommunicated myself. Jehovah’s Witnesses are not allowed to speak to me, not even to say “hello”. Those that shun ex-members, are under the impression they are helping the excommunicated person and pleasing God. I am discriminated against for contradicting this organization’s Religious beliefs by persons of that Religion and I have learned to deal with it. I know many of them are misguided, and some are just plain hypocrites but I know where I stand with them and why. Most of them will not hesitate to express their stance. There is no mystery to their bigotry; it’s out in the open. They even have a special name for me “Apostate”.

I am dealing with a new kind of intolerance as of late; intolerance in disguise. Let me share a few examples that will give you a better idea of what I’m talking about.

Here is a message I received on facebook:

“Ruben you know I love you very much, you are like a big brother to me. I would never cause any harm to you but I can no longer be your friend on facebook. It saddens me to see your videos, blogs, and statements. you have so much anger and i honestly dont know why or understand it. I really dont pay much attention to what you post about Jehovah and his organization, but now I feel like I am contributing to you bashing Jehovah. Correction: Not contributing but agreeing with you. Please understand. I do love you and will always love you.”

This is not from an active Jehovah’s Witness. I’ve known this person for more than eighteen years. This person has been excommunicated by this organization as long as I have. You might think this person is the same as those Jehovah’s Witnesses that do it because they feel they are pleasing their God. Maybe, except there is one big difference between this person and many of those misguided Jehovah’s Witnesses. You are what you do and this person does what a Jehovah’s Witness doesn’t, this person may believe in “Jehovah God” but they are not a Jehovah’s Witness. If this person feels that it is God’s organization maybe they should be more preoccupied with getting back in before judging the intentions of another. Read that message carefully “you have so much anger” really? Why would my “sibling” think I was angry? I’m confused, I didn’t write anything out of anger. Oh wait a minute! I think this issue is clarified for me in that same message: “I really dont pay much attention to what you post about Jehovah and his organization”. This person says they “love me” and yet accuse me of being angry when they haven’t even taken the time to read what I posted.

One might say Oh but this person is being nice and said they can’t be your friend on facebook. This was written to me nine months ago. Have I heard from this friend? Received one call from this friend? No. And quite frankly, I have no desire to continue reaching out to a person that ignored my initial, sincere reply to that message.

I have had many encounters with persons that do not like my take on Religion, “God”, politics, and other subjects. I’ve had people say very negative things about me behind my back simply because I spoke against ideas they hold dear, or expressed my disagreement with their live and let live attitude. Narrow-mindedness is not limited to the Religious. In one case, a fellow non-believer cast me off his friend list because I agreed with someone else that a particular Religious group was more secular than most. No warning just took me off and no longer communicates with me.

What’s my point? You don’t have to hide your intolerance just come out and say it, be honest, I can accept that. You have every right not to like what I say. You don’t have to be my friend. Just don’t tell me you love me then turn around and ignore me. Just say what you mean. I’d rather hear that then to have to deal with nonsense. You may say I am intolerant to certain ideas. Yes, that is true. I don’t respect certain ideas, I don’t respect certain beliefs, and if asked I will be honest and straight up about it. That doesn’t mean I can’t respect you as a person, be your friend, or even love you. If your intolerance to my ideas hinders your ability to be a friend, to care for me as a person, I rather you take a hike from my life. I don’t need that kind of bullshit.

Just saw Iron Man 2

The best part about watching Iron Man 2 on the big screen was the fact that I got to see the trailer for The Last Airbender, seriously. For me, what made it an almost enjoyable flick was the reprisal of Robert Downey Jr. as Tony Stark/Iron Man. In an almost way too convincing fashion, he plays the almost godly Stark. His performance, as the narcissistic hero you love to love, almost helped me forget the weak story line. Almost.

This movie is brain candy. The story had more holes in it than a blow up doll. How did Ivan Vanko know Tony Stark was going to be at that race? Why become one of the mechanics at the race track and begin to chop cars? How could he have known that Tony would drive if Tony decided to drive on an impulse? Vanko wants to make the “god” bleed, succeeds, and yet once he supposedly accomplished what he set out to do, he goes and tries to kill him with an army of drones and a hijacked Iron Man suit and then his own suit? What is this a video game? Grrrr! These things get to me and I have to ask myself, did anyone else notice that? Those are just a few examples off the top of my head.What an anti-climatic battle scene between Iron Man, War Machine, and Vanko! That was dissappointing. Another thing, with all the spectacular special effects they couldn’t get a better costume for Samuel L Jackson than the ridiculous one he wears as Fury? It looks like they stole it off the set of a Syfy channel series. And one more gripe: Okay we get it Stan Lee made the fucking characters, we can stop the game of “Where’s Stan Lee?” already.

I know, I know, this is a movie and there are rules moviegoers play by, such as you suspend reality and enjoy. Yes, you can find all kinds of holes in any movie if you look hard enough, especially in a comic based one. I just don’t want them in my face. Look at the first Iron Man and The Dark Knight released around the same time, the stories were more cohesive, they had great writing! I could invest in those stories, but not this one. I only invested in Downey as Stark, that’s why the best I could give it is an “okay.” Dare I say it, I was almost bored.

What our grim silent partner can teach us.

I was speaking to my very good friend Lisa today and the subject of death came up. No, we were not having a conversation about killing ourselves; we are way too wonderful to end it now. We were contemplating on the benefits of knowing that one day we’re going to die. Speaking of those benefits she said, “Death is liberating.” I imagine some people cringing as they read this thinking, how can the knowledge of your inevitable death be beneficial?

At the end of the day, at the end of our lives, we all have the same outcome, death. It’s there, waiting patiently for us, like an obsessed ex-girlfriend sitting in your parking lot, it may not be today, it may not be tomorrow, but the bitch is going to find us. You ever stress out about nonsensical matters? Do you take them way too seriously? Do you hold grudges for things that could easily be dismissed? Ask yourself, why? Why would you do that to yourself when ultimately it won’t mean a thing? Life is short; why not enjoy our splendid voyage investing in important issues rather than in issues that will soon be forgotten?

There are matters we should strive toward, for the benefit of ourselves, our family, and the species. There are issues that if not taken care of, would leave a heavy burden for the next generation. And even in these cases, death isn’t necessarily our enemy. Ever play a video game with a cheat code? How boring does it become when you get unlimited life, or even health? You don’t enjoy the game when it’s that easy. There is no challenge, there is nothing to overcome. The knowledge of our limited time can make our victories so much sweeter.

Death can be scary, and at times, unfortunately for some in horrific and inescapable situations, becomes the only liberator that brings peace; however, those with the good fortune and opportunity to enjoy their time on this racing rock, death need not be a bearer of fear. Death can be a reminder that we are not going to be here forever, and for some of us, it is a welcome partner in our journey. A grim, silent partner, that teaches us not to take life for granted. A dark figure that whispers, “Enjoy all the things that make life great, while you can, you won’t have it forever.”

Boo! BOOOO!

My Mother started to go to Jehovah’s Witness meetings at the Kingdom Hall when I was six years old. It was me and two older sisters that would go to the meetings, my older brother Angel did not. My Aunt began to go the meetings as well. She had two daughters that were around my age and three teenage boys. This story is what my cousins “crazy Eddie” (his nickname) and Johnny convinced me to do at one of these meetings.

One Sunday I sat between Johnny and Eddie. Every Sunday we had what was called the “Public Talk” where a guest from another Kingdom Hall would come give a 45 minute sermon. At the end of this sermon the audience would applaud the speaker. He could’ve been the worst speaker ever; nevertheless, you clapped out of courtesy. As the speaker that Sunday approached his ending my cousin Eddie began to whisper in my ear and proceeded to make his case for a magnificent send off for this speaker. He told me that standing up, pointing both my thumbs down, and yelling “BOO!” was the best thing you could do for a speaker. That would be the ultimate compliment even better than clapping.

I was skeptical of course. Johnny caught my other ear and said the same thing confirming what Eddie had told six year old Ruben as true. They were older, they said it was the best thing, so they managed to convince me. The elevated tone of the speaker gave the indication that the public talk was over and as any well trained Jehovah’s Witness the audience began clapping. Not six year old Ruben. I stood up, extended my arms outward, held both my thumbs down and yelled out “Boo! BOOOOO!” At lightning speed I felt the familiar pinch of my Mother’s nails embedding my ear lobe. She dragged me down the aisle towards the bathroom as I yelled “But Eddie and Johnny told me it was a good thing!”

That was some funny shit.

Look out for those people, they maybe in line to exit.

I was twenty-four year old Jehovah's Witness Ministerial Servant (aka Deacon) and my ex-wife was nineteen when we married. One of the factors that weighed heavily on our decision to get married was the desire to have sex. Fornication was not an option for an unmarried Jehovah’s Witness couple. It was marriage or no sex. I took the marriage route. Not to say I didn’t love her or that I didn’t want to start a family, I’m just saying the main reason behind the marriage was raging hormones. The warning signs of an impending disastrous relationship were there when we were dating.

After two years our marriage was falling apart. We fought most of the time. We were miserable. It shouldn’t have come as a surprise when I discovered through an email message that she was seeing another man. When questioned she admitted it. She confessed to have kissed other men. I did what every responsible Jehovah’s Witness would do; I decided to go to the elders of the congregation for help. I invited them to our home to speak to us about a problem we were having.

They came over and sat with us at our dinner table. With the bible in hand and copies of watchtower articles in plastic sleeves the presiding overseer of the congregation began his presentation. The elders already knew we were having problems for some time, they had counseled us before. However, they were unaware of the news I had for them that night. I tried to get a word in as he babbled, but the mixture of anger, sorrow, and his interruptions to what I had to say made it difficult for me to spill the beans. He spent about an hour pointing out how our problems were my fault. The root of our problems according to them? As the head of the household I allowed our spirituality to dwindle. Once he was done, I looked at him and simply stated “She kissed three guys.” A facial expression that expressed oh appeared on his face before he continued. The solution he presented was to work on our spirituality that he "lovingly" reminded me I allowed to dwindle. I had no other choice to stay in the marriage. Kissing other men was not grounds for a divorce.

We attempted to work things out, but at the end of the day our marriage was beyond repair. She moved out and began living with one of the men she was seeing behind my back. Once I discovered this I went to the elders with this information.“Now can I go?!” Her fornication was my way out.

I do not look back at these events with anger. She escaped the only way she knew how; cheating was the only way to dissolve the marriage unless one of the partners died. What choice was she left with? I would’ve fought it to the end, quoting the watchtower, reading her the bible, telling her that divorce was not an option, and insisted the elders were the ones we should trust with our issues. You can add to that all the pressure the elders and her Jehovah’s Witness parents added. Instead of staying in a miserable marriage she decided to escape a bad situation by placing herself in a position that would make her “the bad guy.” It was her actions that led to a series of events that ultimately led us both to better places, how can I hold that against her? Of course what happened did hurt me at the time, especially when she got pregnant a few month later. I had always wished to be a father. That was the biggest blow, but that was more of an ego thing.

Once the divorce was in process I really tried to do what I thought was the right thing. I tried becoming “spiritually strong” as the Jehovah’s Witnesses put it. That didn’t last very long. In short time I was out partying and eventually doing what I wanted to do. I discovered that I didn’t feel guilty. In my head I felt justified. I had spent years being “good” doing my best to follow their rules. I failed every once in awhile, but I did my best and it got me nowhere. So I did my thing. I could always go back I thought.

My neighbor, who was from another Jehovah’s Witness congregation, was disfellowshipped (excommunicated) because of a sexual relationship we had. All the while I was flying under the radar, going to some of their assemblies, hoping from one congregation to another, leading what they call "a double life." One day I got home to find her in my apartment crying with some our friends and my roommates. She began to yell at me, calling me out on my hypocrisy. “How come nothing is happening to you?!” I felt like a hypocrite, so I decided to confess to the elders. I met with the elders from the new congregation I sporadically attended and told them what was going on. They informed me there couldn’t act on it until they received my publisher card from my old congregation, which I was avoiding like the plague. Their inability to reach me allowed time for a change in the course of events.

I told a close friend about my desire to go back and make things right with the congregation. My friend said two words that forever changed my life. She compared the Watchtower with “Big Brother” from the book 1984. Those words hit me like a ton of bricks. At that moment I woke up. I KNEW! All the doubts I ever had rushed back to me at that moment. I proceeded to look up information on the Watchtower Bible and Tract Society. I found Crises of Conscience at a book store and read what former Governing Body member Raymond Franz wrote in regards to the Witnesses. With the evidence this book presented and other information I researched, I came to the conclusion that the Watchtower organization was as fraudulent as any other religious organization that claims ultimate truth.

A few weeks later I sent in my letter to disassociate myself from the Jehovah’s Witness organization. I simply stated that I no longer wanted to be a Jehovah’s Witness and to not contact me. I sent the letter to both my new and old congregation in order to make sure the appropriate person got it. Two of the elders of my old congregation came by to make sure it was me who sent the letter because they received it in a “strange way.” I said it was me and that was the end of that discussion.The announced my disassociation in both congregations. I was to be treated the same as a person who is excommunicated.

One of the biggest lessons life has taught me is that no matter what you say or think, what defines you is what you do. Before you give up hope on a person that is involved with such a group, observe their behavior. Focus on that rather than the words they say. You will find a number of them whose actions do not coincide with their beliefs. Look out for those people, they maybe in line to exit. It doesn’t always take an egregious act by the group or some member of the group to get people questioning their beliefs. Sometimes bad decisions, doubts, and life in general can take you down that road.

I am glad I realized that much of what I believed and disbelieved was based on interpretations of ancient writings dictated by men whose sole concern is for the continuation of their corporation. I decided that I would come to my own conclusions based on the evidence presented, reason, and common sense. This led me to where I am today, free from a coercive high control religious cult. I have facts, explanations, and a couple of great ideas. I'm happy with that.

My problem with some of the Ex-Jehovah’s Witness Groups

I have created and moderated an Ex-Jehovah’s Witness group with the intention of aiding those who have either left or are leaving the Jehovah’s Witness Religion for the last four years. It has been a tremendous help for the active members to assemble online and discuss issues with others that have gone through the same difficult process. The first two groups were on MySpace, and the latest version can be found on Facebook.

The Ex-Jehovah’s Witness Groups on the Internet have grown in number over the past few years. You can find them everywhere now. You have JWD on Jehovahs-Witness.net, tons of groups on Facebook / MySpace like Watchtower Uncensored, websites like Six Screens of the Watchtower, and Christianwitnesses.com. Some of these groups have conference calls with the intention of reaching ex-Jehovah’s Witnesses, Jehovah’s Witnesses, and those who are out who are on the fence with their faith.

All of these venues and many more have aided many in their recovery. However, I do find a huge fault in many of them. Many of those looking to assist the ex-Jehovah’s Witness do so with the intention of ministering to them. Their way of helping another recover is to insist that their perspective is the only one worth examining. I think that’s a bad approach.

I see what many of them have to say and I ask myself What? How are you helping them when you are doing the exact same thing the Witnesses do?

I listen to some of these conference calls, and I ask myself Am I listening to a public discourse at a Kingdom Hall? They still use the same terms, and in their discussions show signs of holding the same type of mentality the Jehovah’s Witnesses have. Calling each other “brother” and “sister” on a call. Why is the same loaded language being used? Are you trying to appeal to those that are Witnesses by showing them you are no different then they are? What message are you sending?

So many of these ex-Jehovah’s Witnesses are so consumed with their new religious perspectives, that they cannot offer aide without resorting to evangelism. The only answer is their answer, the only way to go, once out of the Watchtower organization, is their way. You may ask, what's wrong with that? These Ex-Witnesses looking for support are vulnerable, and for them to be told “this is how you should think” is not fair. How are they to grow when they are not encouraged to come to their own conclusions?

I am not saying one shouldn’t share their perspective on life, the universe, our origins, God, etc. We all do it. These matters are extremely important and should be discussed. We should make threads and topics of discussions where people can share their ideas and even debate them. That is great! The problem arises when you make it your prerogative to convert a person to your worldview in a forum intended to help them out of a High Control group. When you do this, not only are you showing how little you have changed from your Jehovah peddling days, you are also stifling their development as persons free from the control of the Watchtower Society.

The objective should be to present the facts about this organization, and to help these ex-members develop critical thinking skills through discussion, to help them learn to think for themselves. To show empathy to another person that is going through something you may have gone through at one time. To send the message “you are not alone!” To show them that one could be happy after leaving the Jehovah’s Witnesses and that it is a lie when they say that is not possible. And so much more.

The object shouldn’t be to throw them into another group that claims exclusivity in the same manner they were manipualted into the one they are attempting to break free of.