Look out for those people, they maybe in line to exit.

I was twenty-four year old Jehovah's Witness Ministerial Servant (aka Deacon) and my ex-wife was nineteen when we married. One of the factors that weighed heavily on our decision to get married was the desire to have sex. Fornication was not an option for an unmarried Jehovah’s Witness couple. It was marriage or no sex. I took the marriage route. Not to say I didn’t love her or that I didn’t want to start a family, I’m just saying the main reason behind the marriage was raging hormones. The warning signs of an impending disastrous relationship were there when we were dating.

After two years our marriage was falling apart. We fought most of the time. We were miserable. It shouldn’t have come as a surprise when I discovered through an email message that she was seeing another man. When questioned she admitted it. She confessed to have kissed other men. I did what every responsible Jehovah’s Witness would do; I decided to go to the elders of the congregation for help. I invited them to our home to speak to us about a problem we were having.

They came over and sat with us at our dinner table. With the bible in hand and copies of watchtower articles in plastic sleeves the presiding overseer of the congregation began his presentation. The elders already knew we were having problems for some time, they had counseled us before. However, they were unaware of the news I had for them that night. I tried to get a word in as he babbled, but the mixture of anger, sorrow, and his interruptions to what I had to say made it difficult for me to spill the beans. He spent about an hour pointing out how our problems were my fault. The root of our problems according to them? As the head of the household I allowed our spirituality to dwindle. Once he was done, I looked at him and simply stated “She kissed three guys.” A facial expression that expressed oh appeared on his face before he continued. The solution he presented was to work on our spirituality that he "lovingly" reminded me I allowed to dwindle. I had no other choice to stay in the marriage. Kissing other men was not grounds for a divorce.

We attempted to work things out, but at the end of the day our marriage was beyond repair. She moved out and began living with one of the men she was seeing behind my back. Once I discovered this I went to the elders with this information.“Now can I go?!” Her fornication was my way out.

I do not look back at these events with anger. She escaped the only way she knew how; cheating was the only way to dissolve the marriage unless one of the partners died. What choice was she left with? I would’ve fought it to the end, quoting the watchtower, reading her the bible, telling her that divorce was not an option, and insisted the elders were the ones we should trust with our issues. You can add to that all the pressure the elders and her Jehovah’s Witness parents added. Instead of staying in a miserable marriage she decided to escape a bad situation by placing herself in a position that would make her “the bad guy.” It was her actions that led to a series of events that ultimately led us both to better places, how can I hold that against her? Of course what happened did hurt me at the time, especially when she got pregnant a few month later. I had always wished to be a father. That was the biggest blow, but that was more of an ego thing.

Once the divorce was in process I really tried to do what I thought was the right thing. I tried becoming “spiritually strong” as the Jehovah’s Witnesses put it. That didn’t last very long. In short time I was out partying and eventually doing what I wanted to do. I discovered that I didn’t feel guilty. In my head I felt justified. I had spent years being “good” doing my best to follow their rules. I failed every once in awhile, but I did my best and it got me nowhere. So I did my thing. I could always go back I thought.

My neighbor, who was from another Jehovah’s Witness congregation, was disfellowshipped (excommunicated) because of a sexual relationship we had. All the while I was flying under the radar, going to some of their assemblies, hoping from one congregation to another, leading what they call "a double life." One day I got home to find her in my apartment crying with some our friends and my roommates. She began to yell at me, calling me out on my hypocrisy. “How come nothing is happening to you?!” I felt like a hypocrite, so I decided to confess to the elders. I met with the elders from the new congregation I sporadically attended and told them what was going on. They informed me there couldn’t act on it until they received my publisher card from my old congregation, which I was avoiding like the plague. Their inability to reach me allowed time for a change in the course of events.

I told a close friend about my desire to go back and make things right with the congregation. My friend said two words that forever changed my life. She compared the Watchtower with “Big Brother” from the book 1984. Those words hit me like a ton of bricks. At that moment I woke up. I KNEW! All the doubts I ever had rushed back to me at that moment. I proceeded to look up information on the Watchtower Bible and Tract Society. I found Crises of Conscience at a book store and read what former Governing Body member Raymond Franz wrote in regards to the Witnesses. With the evidence this book presented and other information I researched, I came to the conclusion that the Watchtower organization was as fraudulent as any other religious organization that claims ultimate truth.

A few weeks later I sent in my letter to disassociate myself from the Jehovah’s Witness organization. I simply stated that I no longer wanted to be a Jehovah’s Witness and to not contact me. I sent the letter to both my new and old congregation in order to make sure the appropriate person got it. Two of the elders of my old congregation came by to make sure it was me who sent the letter because they received it in a “strange way.” I said it was me and that was the end of that discussion.The announced my disassociation in both congregations. I was to be treated the same as a person who is excommunicated.

One of the biggest lessons life has taught me is that no matter what you say or think, what defines you is what you do. Before you give up hope on a person that is involved with such a group, observe their behavior. Focus on that rather than the words they say. You will find a number of them whose actions do not coincide with their beliefs. Look out for those people, they maybe in line to exit. It doesn’t always take an egregious act by the group or some member of the group to get people questioning their beliefs. Sometimes bad decisions, doubts, and life in general can take you down that road.

I am glad I realized that much of what I believed and disbelieved was based on interpretations of ancient writings dictated by men whose sole concern is for the continuation of their corporation. I decided that I would come to my own conclusions based on the evidence presented, reason, and common sense. This led me to where I am today, free from a coercive high control religious cult. I have facts, explanations, and a couple of great ideas. I'm happy with that.